Will Last Forever

Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love. -1 Corinthians 13:13
The greatest of these may be love, but don’t underestimate the power of hope. When we are in our deepest depths of despair, it is hope that keeps us going when it’s hard to get out of bed. Have you lost sight of our hope? Our hope is everlasting. Our hope is full of grace. Our hope is in Christ Jesus.
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I had my first review with Prof Wong since the ectopic pregnancy and he briefed me on the natural and medicated FET.  I got to have at least 3 cycles of menstruation before I can start. Was quite surprised to know that a med FET at NUH is 6 weeks long.

Anyway, I told him I wasn’t ready and that I am considering taking time off from work to focus on this when I eventually am. Am glad to hear that the rate of deterioration of eggs at my age is not too sharp so I can still afford to wait a little I guess.   

I’m still hopeful that I may eventually conceive naturally or through IVF if the Lord wills. So don’t give up, be hopeful!

Awaiting Death

I am awaiting death, a death that will keep me alive.

The dating scan on 8 Jul revealed nothing in my womb, no heart beat, fetal pole, not even a gestation sac.

My heart sank when the sonographer asked if I had experienced and bleeding or pain. The truth is none.

I checked if it could be an ectopic and she scanned around but could find anything.

Prof ordered for another beta HCG blood test on 10 Jul to see the trend .

Received call from NUH on 9 Jul that the HCG on 8 Jul was more than 5000! Such a high number and nothing was found?!

I started to have some nagging pain on my lower left and the scan on 10 Jul confirmed my worst fears.

An ectopic pregnancy.

My HCG had gone down to 4200 by 10 Jul and I took the choice of having a Methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy over a laproscopy to remove it and possibly the fallopian tube. Any scarring after the surgery may increase the possibility of a 2nd ectopic. I hope it will resolve as the worst case scenario is internal bleeding which will lead to rupture and I will still need to remove the left fallopian tube.

24 hrs has passed and I’m beginning to feel some aches in my lower back and a headache is developing. 

Sigh….

There was something in the sac, not very clearly seen but it was developing… If only it had implanted in the right place..

I know this is all in God’s will… and He must have a reason… but right now I can’t see it and it’s so painful.

Rest in peace my child, mummy loves you.

Disappointed Once More

Had my blood test this morning and was on my way back home when CHR called again to notify me that it’s a positive results. I guess it was due to the Ovidrel booster shot last Wed but nevertheless I went back to meet Prof and hear what he has to say.

Prof didn’t think that it was due to the residual HCG from the booster shot and ordered another blood test for me to see if the number would increase.

In my heart, I kinda knew it’s over. Even if it’s not from the booster jab, a hcg level of 12 is far too low. Even during my chemical pregnancy, I had 31.

I fought back the urge to cry so many times on the way back and burst into tears when I was finally home. 

Why do I feel sad? It is not because I went through a lot when I was cycling. In fact this was the easiest out of the 3 fresh cycles, there was practically no side effects from the injections except for one day but I think I had a food allergy, not due to the jabs. I was well taken care of during ER and ET,  DH was with me the whole time. The results of fertilization and frozen embryos seem pretty good, good quality vs quantity. I really took the time and effort to rest at home and there was so much hormonal support which I diligently put everyday. This time I was also not as stressed compared to the previous 2 cycles.

The disappointment of failure under all these favourable conditions is crushing. What else do I have to do to make it work?

Post ET Review

Went for my review this morning and was able to know more about the results of this cycle.

Prof Wong checked my stomach for any sign of OHSS and said I was fine. I asked him about the seemingly poor fertilization rate and it turns out that only out of the 14 follicles,  there were 14 eggs but only 8 eggs were matured. According to him the norm is 2/3, so it’s slightly under performing on that part. The fertilization rate is usually about 50%, in our case its 75% so that’s good and of which 5 are good embryos. He mentioned 49% of NUH patients do not have any frozen embryos while I have 3 so this cycle turns out to be much better than expected.

He ordered an Ovidrel jab for me which I believe is to let the body believe that it is pregnant and produce Estrogen and Progesterone.

I had some slight twitching in the afternoon. Today is 4DP3DT.

ET Day

DH and I had a light breakfast before heading down to NUH for the embryo transfer. I had a room and needed to change into the OT gown this time as well,  sadly dh could not go into the OT unlike in KKH.  With quite a number of transfers done before, I decided not to stress myself so much by drinking too much water as I have a very sensitive bladder.  Only drank about 400 ml at 9 am and it was just nice. There was a clear visual but I didn’t feel too uncomfortable.  🙂

The OT had quite a few nurses and Drs in it, one Dr to hold the ultrasound scanner,  2-3 nurses to assist,  and of cause there was Prof who did the transfer. This is very unlike KKH where only 1 nurse and your specialist would be doing the transfer.

I had 2 embies transferred, one 8-cell and one 9-cell. Prof was very nice to explain to me the procedure, where the womb is on the screen and how the embryos were to be placed. He told me that i could go to the toilet when I was back in my room and there is to he no more acupuncture treatment after ET. Prof wished me all the best before he left and I was wheeled back into my room.

I rested 2 hrs more while DH went to CHR to hand them the cheque for the insurance and also collect my supports. The bill for the entire ICSI costs about 10k, after the co- funding of $6300 and $4000 CPF deduction, we had to top up $500+ in cash.

Post ER results

14 eggs are matured.
ICSI 6 are fertilised.
Will know how is the quality by Fri.
Oh God, pls bless those embies.

It’s Oocyte Retrieval Day

We arrived at 10am to get ready for the procedure which would be done at 12pm.  I was brought to my room after registration and changed into my OT gown. I’m pretty glad that I had chosen a single bedder because there is so much privacy and space to rest both for dh and I both pre and post op only for a price difference of about $200. (A shared room would have 6 patients)

Dh went to the lab at 10.30am to produce the sperm and breakfast and I went into the OT at 11.30am. Prof saw me at the waiting area and told me it will be my turn soon.

Last thing I remembered was a nurse telling me to open my eyes as I breathed through the mask and the next thing I know heard was a nurse telling me that I’ve finished the op. Time was 12.40pm.

Was wheeled back to my room and told that I had to rest there for 6 hrs! That is so different from KKH! In KKH, you are asked to rest for about 2 hrs after the op and you will be going off. That is why it is better to op for the single bedder as you really get to rest, imagine having to share the room with 6 other patients and their families (12 ppl), it will be very hard to rest well.

I took some Milo and cream cracker at 2 plus, for some strange reason they always taste very good in hospitals.  Haha!

The asst Dr came at 4 to check on me and told me that I had 14 eggs retrieved. That’s 2 more than the last scan! 🙂

Finally got discharged at 6.30pm and we enjoyed a good meal of steamboat which I deserved so much.

CD6 Stim day 5

Had another round of scan and blood test this morning. It’s so good to not have to stress over the number of people who are waiting in the room and all of them are fighting to be scanned and to see the attending Dr.

There were only about 2 – 3 patients ahead of me who were seeing Prof and my scan was done fairly quickly.
Lining: 6 mm
Right: 6 follicles,  biggest 8mm
Left: 4 follicles,  biggest 8mm

NUH is not so precise in terms of the recording of the follicle size unlike KKH but perhaps it’s still too early to do that.

The nurse commented that my lining dropped from 7 mm to 6 mm. I’m trying to stay relaxed, hopefully the lining and follicles can grow well.

Dosage stays at 225 iu  per night. Will start the Cetrotide jab tmr morning. 

Effects of hormones or food allergy??

I had very severe headache on D2 of stimulation, breathlessness and nausea. I even vomited after my second jab. It was scary. But it was rather strange that the effects only came so long after the first jab.

Made a call to CHR and Prof’s instructions were to continue the jab.

The subsequent jabs were fine and there wasn’t even the dreadful headache, just bloatedness. Perhaps my ordeal was a case of food allergy to flaxseed. I bought a pkt of that as it is a superfood which is very good for IVFers. Turns out that the symptoms are so similar to those of Gonal F. 😦

A New Old Experience

It’s CD 2 and I’m back in NUH for my baseline blood test and scans. All seems fine and after the scan, i headed back to CHR for my meds. The Gonal F is a 900 iu one and each day’s dosage for me is 225 iu.

The nurse refreshed my memory on how to do the self injection and passed me a cooler bag to put the pen. How nice! 🙂

The hub also got his antibiotics which he has to take for the next 10 days.

So far, the experience at NUH is pretty good, there are less ppl and you don’t get this sense of rush that is present at KK, where there are ppl waiting anxiously at 7.45am for the glass doors to open so that they can race to the ticket machine.